


The Moment Everything Changed

by LittleLola1114



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Abuse, Abusive Parents, Baby, Child Abuse, Crying, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, First Kiss, First Meetings, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I Love You, Intimacy, Love Confessions, M/M, Manchester City, Marriage Proposal, Panic Attacks, Phil Lester - Freeform, Rape, Rape Recovery, Scars, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Skype, Therapy, YouTube, new life, new start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 05:22:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15700635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLola1114/pseuds/LittleLola1114
Summary: Young Dan Howell lives with parents who ignore and abuse him. His body is covered in scars and he feels like he's alone in the world. When he finally works up enough courage to leave a comment on his favorite Youtuber's channel, his whole life gets turned upside down when he actually replies. What started out as the single ray of sunshine in Dan's depressing life, leads to the very thing that saves him and makes him believe that happiness does exist.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I started working on instead of paying attention in class. I was inspired after reading so many other works, so I decided to do one myself. Please stay till the end, I promise you it's worth reading and sticking to the end.

**Dan’s POV**

The day started out as it normally did. I was in my room trying not to listen to my parents outside screaming at each other. Sometimes it was hard, but I learned how to keep it together. I have certain ways to keep me sane. You see, I’m what you call a cutter, but no one really knows. I’m, not a very social person so I don't really have any friends so I’m always alone, which is a good thing because then no ones there to question my scars.

Everything changed when I stumbled on a site called Youtube. After a few hours of looking around at random videos, I saw a name Amazingphil. I thought it was a random dumb name so I just had to click on a video. He was a British guy, a few years older, with a slight northern accent. the way he talked about political and personal issues made him so much more real. I felt like he really understood me.

“Come on Howell, Just do it. Just write a comment” I told myself out loud. “It’s just a silly comment, it’s not like he’s even going to read it so just do it”

I clicked send

 

**Phil’s POV**

I was in my room finishing some cleaning around when I decided to look at some comments on my latest video. There were a lot of “Omg your so amazing” and “this had me in tears” comments scattered around. I was just about to close my laptop when my eyes saw a name.

danisnotonfire

I thought it was a unique name. I started to read the comment. It was one of those longer ones but I thought I should read this. When I finished I had tears forming on the brink of my eyes. I couldn't believe what I just read.

“I have to do something,” I said. I wiped my tears away and started typing a response. I was going to make sure danisnotonfire feels special.

 

**Dan’s POV**

“Mum I'm home” I yelled out, but like always, no one was there to greet me.

Both my parents worked long late hours so I was alone most of the time. It was okay I guess, I learned to be independent at a very young age which is good, but sometimes I wish we were a close family.

I went into my room so I could go check my emails. After a while, I decided to go on Youtube to see more of Amazingphil’s videos. When the page loaded, I saw that I had a notification. When I clicked on it, my heart stopped.

“ He… He replied.” I couldn't believe it.

“Ok..ok..ok ok, click the button, open the message” Right before I clicked it I started thinking, What if he’s replying to make fun of me and my situation? What if he wants to block me?

I started panicking. “I shouldn't open it, it’s better that I don’t know”

Just then my father walks into the house.

“Dan!! Where are you? You useless bastard!!” “Come here right now!”

I knew he was drunk, he was always drunk when he came home this late, but what else is new. I walked down the stairs but before I could ask what he wanted, I felt his hand slap me across the face.

“What took you forever. When I call your name, I expect you to come quickly like the good bitch you are,” he yelled in my face “ Do you understand?”

“ye.. yes father, I’m… I’m sorry I took so long coming down th.. the stairs” I stammered out.

“Whatever, where’s that whore you call a mother at?” My father spatted out.

“Umm… Mums not home yet, she’s still…still at work, I think” I said quietly.

He slapped me again, and this time I fell over.

“I bet she’s out whoring herself around like the whore she is! All I do is support this worthless family and what do I get in return? An unfaithful wife and a poor excuse for a son!”

He threw the empty bottle of beer in his had against the wall and it shattered all over me.

“Clean up this fucking mess! I better not see it when I wake up tomorrow” he coldly stated right before he left the room and left me on the floor.

I wiped the tears that were threatening to come down. I refused to cry anymore. I then shook the glass out of my hair and started to pick up the broken pieces off the floor.

I left the biggest piece for last, I knew I had something planned for that one. Once I cleaned everything up, I picked up the big piece of glass and walked into the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror for a while. I looked at the scars on my wrist, some were still red and swollen from the previous week, but that was my favorite part. Today, I thought we should focus on my stomach.

“Dan, you’re worthless,” I told myself.

_Cut._

“No wonder your family hates you”

_Cut._

“Amazingphil will never see you anything more than just a worthless piece of trash that cuts himself”

_Cut._

I finally let a tear fall.

 

**Phil’s POV**

“Why hasn’t he messaged me back yet, I’m getting worried,” I told my stuffed

Lion, but really more to myself.

“Lion you should have read this comment I got the other day, this danisnotonfire… I mean .. Dan, really spoke his heart out”

Flashback

I extended the page so I could read the whole comment, and began reading.

_Hi AmazingPhil XD_

_Wow, I can’t believe I’m really doing this, I almost never comment on any video, I don’t really see the point, the person is never going to see or read it anyway, I’m just another viewer to you. Well in the small chance that you do read this, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Dan Howell, and I’m 18 years old, just out of school. I just have to say I fell in love with your videos. You are so talented and I can not believe someone like you exists. I have a hard time understanding why I’m in this world. I see no reason for someone like me to exist if I don”t have a purpose yet. But you just have this light about you that makes me want to continue living. I don’t have many reasons to keep living, to begin with. When I was at school, I was always alone, no one liked to talk to me and I always kept to myself. My family back home is pretty much the same, we don’t talk to each other; unless you call screaming hitting talking, which in that case, we’re always talking. My fathers ashamed of me and my mother gave up fighting for the both of us, she just cares about herself now, she left me alone a long time ago. With everything going on, I started to think “ Would anyone care if I was gone?” “ Do I even matter?” “ Would everything be easier if I just ended it all?” You see, I have a big secret that nobody knows about. I cut myself. Wow, I can’t believe I’m saying this! It feels so good to say it all out loud, even though I know you won’t see this, it’s nice just to write it down. Yes, I am a cutter, at first, it was just a few times a month, but now with everything going on, I feel a lot better doing it a few times a day. It’s addicting and it makes me feel better._

_Thank you for pretending to listen. I think I’m going to take my own advice and just leave this earth, I’m not worth the trouble for my parents or even you. Goodbye Phil._

_Dan Howell_

**End Flashback**

Tears started to form again as I recall the comment I read earlier. “Lion I have to do more,” I said to myself. “ I think… I think I’m going to message him again, just to make sure he’s not hurting himself.”

 

**Dan’s POV**

I was lying on my bed in my room, trying to drown out my parents screaming in the other room with some music, but I knew it was no use. I finally stopped crying and cleaned up the rest of the glass from my hair. I felt disgusting and I wanted to take a shower. I walked into my bathroom and started to take off my shirt. I caught a glance at the mirror and saw the puffed out red lines on my stomach.

“Wow, just look at me” I stared quietly at myself. “No wonder nobody wants me, not my parents, not anyone at school, and definitely not someone wonderful like Phil.”

I got in the shower and grimaced when the steaming hot water touched the opened cuts. I sat on the floor, clutching my knees swaying back and forth until I stopped shaking. I stayed in there for a while until my skin was bright red.

When I got out, I went into my room and started to get ready to sleep. Right before I completely went out, I heard a bell go off. I knew it was my phone but I didn’t want to answer it.

Just then I heard small whimpers coming from the other room. I knew it was my mother crying, but I tried to ignore it, the best I could. I decided to check my phone to see why the bell went off. I read the captioned “New message from Amazingphil.” I jolted right up.

“O my.. O my god… he messaged again.” I said quietly with awestruck eyes. I should open it, I thought, well I should open the first one actually, I reminded myself.

“Come on Dan, do something brave in your life for once” I opened the first message and started reading.

_Hello Dan,_

_I usually don’t write back to people who comment because I can only do so many and I feel it’s unfair to those I don’t get too. But what you wrote, spoke to my heart. I can not believe what you went through and still going through. I can not imagine what it must be like to be in your situation. I want you to know that I noticed you and I appreciate this comment. You are someone worth remember and I’m glad I have someone like you watching my videos. Stay strong._

_Phil_

My smile stretched across my face. “Wow, he actually read my comment.”

I clicked on the most recent notification and opened up the next message from Phil.

_Hey, it’s me again, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I felt like my first message didn’t express how much I wanted to get to know you. I’m having a really hard time forgetting you. I just feel like there’s something I can do to make your situation better, I’m not scared or think you’re a freak because of the cutting, I actually want to be your friend and get to know the real Dan. Please be okay._

_Phil_

_P.S: Find me on Skype, I would gladly add you back._

 

“He… he wants to be my friend” I gasped out. “Wow, he actually wants to talk to me.”

Just then I began to think. What if it’s all a lie and he’s just making fun of me? He wouldn’t right? He’s not that type of person. I think I’m going to take a chance and call him. If it’s all a lie then I found the final reason to just end it all.

 

**Phil’s POV**

It’s been a few days since I posted anything on Youtube so I decided to film a new video. Once I finished I started editing the video on my laptop when I got a notification on the top right corner. The caption read “New friend request from danisnotonfire- Skype”

“Wow he actually accepted my offering,” I said to my lion; which I should maybe stop as it’s starting to get creepy.

I gladly accepted the request and started to fix my hair so I can look presentable.

I clicked call.

It rang, then rang, then rang again. I was worried that I was being to fast forward and moving to fast. Maybe he didn’t want to talk and open up to me. Maybe this was just a silly idea.

Then I heard his voice. “Hi,” he said. “It’s me… Um, Dan” he said shyly.

I just started in awe, he looked so small and innocent. He had big brown eyes and brown straightened hair with just a bit of curl right at the tips. He looked amazing and I was glad I got to put a face to the username.

I guess I was staring for too long because he spoke up again “umm are you there? Is the connection bad cause you’re not moving” Dan said.

“Um…n…no, yeah.. umm… I’m here, sorry for staring, but Hi there I”m Phil.

And it went on like that for a while, we were both nervous to talk to each other but after a few simple questions, it got easier. We started off with simple topics like where we live and school arrangements, and after many, weeks of Skype calls later we slowly progressed to more intimate topics like our dreams and goals in life. Talking with him felt so easy, it was natural and I can feel like I could say just about anything. We didn’t even dare talk about his family and the situation he was in. the topic of cutting didn’t even come up, we didn’t want anything to ruin this.

 

**After a few weeks, during a Skype call.**

“It’s getting late” I finally said checking the time. “Wow it’s almost 3 in the morning” I laughed out. It didn’t even feel like so much time has passed.“Um, Dan?”“Yes,” he whispered with a yawn.“I want to talk to you again tomorrow… if that’s alright with you, I want to ask you something.”

‘Yeah I’d like th…” he was about to finish his response, when suddenly a loud bang came from another room, making me jump in fright. Dan turned his head to the side unfazed by the sudden loud noise.

“Dan, where the fuck are you!!!” a loud rough voice was drowning in closer.

I saw from the screen that Dan’s eyes widen when he realized who it was.

“I ha…have to go, bye!” I saw his hand frantically trying to end the call. He then quickly got off the bed to turn off the lights and tried to pretend to be sleeping by going under the covers. I could see everything, with the rush that he was in, he didn’t actually end the Skype call.

The door to his room opened. And I remained quiet, trying not to get discovered. A man walked in swaying back and forth. He had something in his hand, it looked like a bottle.

“Dan wake up you bastard… I need your fucking mouth.” My jaw dropped, it couldn’t be what I think it is right.

He walked towards the bed and reached his arm over to Dan’s body and started taking off the covers.

“Dad, I’m sleeping…not now, go away” I heard him say in a pretend sleepy voice.

“Get the fuck up” his father pulled Dan from his hair off the bed and slapped him across the face. “When I want to use you I will, I’m not asking, I’m telling you! Now get to work.”

I stared in wide eyes as I saw Dan slowly get off the floor and make his way to his father. His hands reached for his belt and he slowly undid it.

My mind was racing. Oh my god… I can’t watch this. Do something. Say something. Make a noise and stop this.No… I can’t… Dan will know that I was watching and he’ll be embarrassed and we won’t come back from this. I want to be there for him but I know I won’t be able to stop this now. They’ll just close the laptop and continue anyway. The best thing I can do for Dan right now is look away and save him his dignity.

I closed my laptop.

 

**Dan’s POV**

My dad left my room after he got what he wanted.

I probably scared off Phil, and things were just getting so great. He was so kind and wonderful, I can’t believe I actually had conversations with him. We had so much in common and I can see us becoming great friends.

But it’s all over now, my father just had to get in the way and ruin everything. I’m just glad I ended the call before he could see anything. Even if we don’t ever talk again, I’m glad he got to see the good side of me, my family and my cutting is something I don’t want him to really see more of.

 

**Phil’s POV**

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I saw. It’s been three days since I last spoke to him, I wanted to have a clear mind before I talked to him again. I decided that I wanted to tell him what I saw but I needed the right way to tell him. And I didn’t get to tell him what I wanted to say.

“I should call him back and explain myself,” I said out loud.

I hit call.

 

**Dan’s POV**

I was in my room laying on my bed, literally doing nothing like always. When suddenly my laptop started beeping. I read the screen “Incoming call from Amazingphil.” He’s probably calling to end everything. To end the little friendship that was barely starting. I didn’t want to answer. If I don’t answer the call, he can’t end this

I didn’t answer. And he didn’t call back.

The next day the same thing happened. He called and I didn’t answer. And then again and again.

“Wow, he’s really not letting up,” I said in awe. “ Maybe I should answer the next call” The next day Phil called again and this time I answered. The call was connecting and I was preparing for the worst.

“ You don’t believe how much I missed you” was the first thing I heard him say when he saw my face.“ Hi Phi…Phil” I said at first startled by his comment. “Umm, I would like to apologize for not answering your calls before… I was umm busy” I quickly made up a lie.

“No that’s fine… I just wanted to talk to you again” he said calmly. “I wanted to make sure that you were okay, our last phone call got caught off early, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“Oh… wow that’s nice of you to say. I’m sorry for ending the call early, my Dad came home and wanted to talk to me about something.”

 

**Phil’s POV**

Wow, I can’t believe he answered this time. I was so glad he finally did, I just wanted to make sure he’s okay. When he mentioned his father and the last phone call, I had to remind myself to remain calm and not make a face.

Then I remembered what I wanted to ask him so I just blurted it out.

“Come visit me,” I said mid interrupting his apology.

“Wh…what,” he said shyly.

“Come stay the weekend at my place, I want to meet you in person,” I said confidently.

He just stared blankly back at me, I could tell he was speechless.

“Are you serious… you’re not right… you’re just messing with me.” he blushed and looked away.

“No I’m serious, I want to talk to you, not from just through the screen, in person, I want to meet you Dan, the real Dan,” I said to him. “ So what do you say?”

“You still want to be my friend?” he quietly whispered to me.

“Yes of course… I feel like we can become great friends… and that’s why I want to meet you in person.” I proudly told him.

 

“O…okay then, let’s meet in person” he finally said.

 

**Dan’s POV**

Once we finished all the details for the meetup, I knew I had to do one last thing, I had to ask my parents. I waited for them to come home from work so I can tell them both together.

A few hours later. We were eating dinner in silence and I took the opportunity to ask.

“Mum, Dad… I um…I was wondering if I could go visit a friend this weekend and stay with them a few days? They live about two hours away by train.”

My father just started laughing, “ You don’t have any friends.” he said smirking.

My mum just stayed silent for a while, but when she finally spoke, she said,” Good now I don’t have to make extra food to fed you.”

I shyly asked, “ So can I go.. Please, I just need some money for the train ride.”

My mother just gave me a simple nod and continued eating. My father just continued to smirk and ignore me. “If you pay for it yourself, then you can go”

Later that night, I was just about to slip off to sleep when a sudden knock was at my door.

I checked the time and it was about 2am in the morning when the mysterious knocked occurred.

“Dan wake up.” it was my father, knew it. “ I know some way you can make more money” he swayed in drunk. “If you let me finally stick it in you, then I’ll give you all the money you want.”

He couldn’t be serious could he, I know he’s done stuff to me in the past; sick awful things, but this has to be the line. I can’t let him…can I?

“Umm how much money?” I shyly asked, surprising myself for even asking.

“Enough to pay for the whole trip, to and fro.” he said smugly “You already know I’m going to get what I want, so you might as well make some money out of it”

And I did… I got the money and in return, my father used me. Just like he always did, he was rough and quick. He didn’t care about me or this family, he just wanted satisfaction for his own personal gain.

It hurt. A lot

I can never be the same again.

I lost the last of my pure and innocence that I had left.

New scars covered my arms.

But its all for Phil, I’ll do anything to see Phil in person.

 

**Phil’s POV**

Two weeks have passed since Dan and I discussed the trip. I wanted to pay for half the trip since it was my idea, but he insisted that he had the money for it. And now I was on my way to pick him up from the train station.

I can’t wait to finally see him in person, I’ve waited for so long.

I want to see his beautiful brown eyes.

His dark chocolate brown hair.

His blemish-free skin.

His glossy full lips… wait what?… Where did that come from? What does this mean? I mean sure Dan is an attractive person for a male, but I don’t of him in that way. Or do I?

 

**Dan’s POV**

I was on the train waiting for my stop. I can’t wait to finally meet Phil in person. I hope he’s not disappointed with me.

What if he sees me and decides I’m not worth all the problems. Maybe this was a bad mistake, I should just turn around and go home.

The train stopped; this was my stop.

“Come on Dan…get off the train” I hissed at myself.

I took the brave leap and stepped off the train.

Well, there’s no going back now.

I stood waiting by a pole, looking around for Phil. I was feeling overwhelmed with the waiting.

Just then I saw him enter the train station.

I looked away bowing my head in embarrassment, I can’t believe this was actually happening, I mentally thought to myself. I can’t mess up this friendship, I need Phil! But in what way, as a friend or as something more.

I was confused with what I just thought, what did I mean by that. Do I like Phil more than just a friend? Should I even be thinking about this? Even if I did, there was no way Phil would like me back.

I didn’t have time to finish thinking because just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped in surprise, and as I looked up to see who tapped me, my eyes met piercing blue eyes. I was welcomed with a warm smile.

“Hi…” I heard him say. Wrapping me up in a big hug.

Shit… I really do love him, I confessed to myself.

 

**Phil’s POV**

I enter the train station and I start to scan the crowd in search of Dan. I spotted a tall male with brown hair staring at the floor. From the glance I knew it was him, I started to walk up to him and when I reached him I tapped his shoulder.

I was met with deep chocolate brown eyes. I instantly hugged him and took in his sent…Okay, I think I may Love him.

“Omg… I can’t believe you’re actually here, I’m so happy” I told him in gasps. I kept hugging him.

“Ph…Phil, I can’t breath” he slightly tried pushing me away, but only a little, as he was still holding on to me. “I’m really happy and excited to be here… with you.”

Hearing this made me smile, maybe Dan likes me too, maybe we can be something more.

“So what do you want to do today… we can do anything and everything that you want to do… I want to make this trip extra special for you” I whispered to him as we were still hugging.

“Umm, well… I… I mean I don’t know, I guess I’m still in shock with meeting you” he quietly said back to me.

“Okay well first let’s go back to my place so you can drop off your things and you can freshen up a bit, does that sound good?” I asked him

“Yeah” he responded

(During the car ride home)

Okay Phil, calm yourself… relax your breathing. You just discovered you have feelings for Dan and you don’t know what to do.

Should I tell him how I feel and see if he feels the same way? No, that’s ridiculous, if he doesn’t feel the same way then it could ruin our friendship. And plus we have his whole father situation to talk about, and I’m sure he’s still self-harming.

I quickly glance at him, but still keeping my eyes on the road. He’s looking down wearing a slight blush. Oh no is he nervous, is he uncomfortable? “Umm hey Dan, are you okay, you seem a bit flustered.” I saw him slightly jump from the sudden interruption of silence.

“Ye…yeah I’m f…fine, I’m fine, I’m probably a bit overheated from the trip” he shyly stammered.

“Oh well in that case, after I give you a tour of the apartment, you can take a shower to cool off, then we can head out for a nigh around the town,” I told him

“Yeah that sounds nice,” Dan shyly said back.

I helped him bring in his bags once we got to my apartment, and after I gave him the official-not-so-official tour of the place, I directed him to the washroom in my room. I went to go get him a clean towel straight from the wash right before I entered the room catching him mid-change.

His shirt was off, scars and all exposed.

It was like catching a deer in headlights, he just stared at me with wide eyes, his face completely going white. His breathing started to pick up speed and tears started forming in the brim of his eyes. His breathing became quicker and sharper.

Was he having a panic attack?

 

**Still Phil’s POV**

I can see Dan start shaking violently. Tears are all over the place and his breathing is so short and sharp that I’m not even sure oxygen is even getting to his brain.

“Dan?… Dan it’s…it’s okay, you’re okay,” I tell him slowly as I walk up to him. “I know we’ve haven’t talked about your scars or about your cutting, but everything is still okay” I calmly stated.

I can see that he’s opening his mouth to speak but he can only manage a few words. “ Do..don’t run a…away, please… Do…don’t leave.”

“No no no, it’s okay, I would never leave you because of this,” I said making sure to put extra emphasis on the last few words.

My hand reaches for his face, as my finger wipes off a falling tear. I move his hair out of his face and just stare at him. My fingers slowly move lower and lower until they reach his forearms. I trace his scars, both faded and newer ones.

“See… I’m not running, I’m not leaving” I gently told him.

I lifted his arm up to my face and while looking him in his tear-filled eyes, I kissed the scars.

“We’re okay, this doesn’t change anything, I still want you as my best friend, okay?”

“O…okay” Dan said

“Well then… hmmm now that that’s settled, I’ll leave you to your shower…ummm sorry for barging in, I …I umm wanted to give you a clean towel.” I said with blush cheeks.

“No… It’s okay we were bound to talk about it… I think I just wanted to avoid it for as long as possible… but your right, I’m sorry for overreacting” Dan told me while looking away.

I lifted his chin so he can meet my eyes, “you are entitled to your feelings, this is a big part of your life and I don’t expect it to be easy for you to talk about it …but I’ve been wanting to tell you that I want to help you get better… if you want to that is” I told him

He looked at me with wide eyes “okay” was all that he said.

I left Dan to his shower and waited in the living room.

Okay so we confronted his issue with cutting, that’s one thing checked off the list, now we have to talk about his relationship with his father, and then maybe if he doesn’t hate me for keeping secrets, then we could talk about maybe becoming something more. I mentally thought to myself.

“Phil,” Dan said from the other room, ”I’m ready to go”

 

**Dan’s POV**

We walked around for a bit, grabbed a quick bite at a small cafe that was still opened at this hour. Both of us fully aware of the slight tension between us.

Phil seemed happy, despite all the problems that I tell him. He’s not running away like any of my old friends did. He’s actually paying attention and listening to me, something for sure my parents never did. I could be happy with Phil, he accepts me for who I am.

But would he even want me…if he knew about my father? No, he wouldn’t, no one would. I should stop kidding myself with pointless fantasies.

We walked towards the famous Manchester Eye and got on board.

 

**Phil’s POV**

“Dan… umm, theirs something I want and need to talk about with you” I looked straight into his eyes so that he knew it was something serious.

“I knew it… you really don’t want to continue being friends” he gasped out, trying to get out from the glass bubble, but the doors were already closed behind him.

“No…no that’s not it at all… I actually want to say first, that I want to remain beside you, despite what I’m about to tell you… but I can’t say you would want to remain mine.”

“Phil… you’re scaring me, just tell me” Dan expressed

“Okay…so…ummm… wow, this is harder than I thought…” I took a long breath “A few weeks ago when we were skyping, the day that your father came home early and you logged off out of out chat”

“Yeah go on” Dan stated, slowly looking more cautious.

“Well, Ummm… you actually didn’t log off, and I stayed watching, and I… ummm saw your father walk into your room and I saw what he was going to do,” I said looking away at the end. What would Dan think of me now?

“Yo…you saw…saw everything” new tears were forming in Dan’s eyes.

“No, I didn’t actually see, I turned it off before anything could happen… I didn’t want to tarnish my memory of you, I love you too much for that to happen” I claimed.

“You what?” Dan said to me with wide eyes.” You love me”

I gasped in shock, taking me a moment to realize what I had just said. “Omg, I’ve ruined it, please I’m sorry, please don’t be freaked out, it just came out.”

“Do you really love me?” Dan struggled to get out.

“Yes I do, I really do,” I replied back.

“But as a friend right?” Dan coiled back.

“No Dan, I think in a romantic-I-want-to-be-with-you kind of way,” I said.

“You’re not disgusted with me, with what you saw and with what my father has done to me over the years? You don’t think I’m damaged?” Dan said worriedly.

“I think there are some things we need to talk about, you know emotional wise and your well being but I don’t think you’re damaged. You’re far from it… Your past makes you who you are…I think your family makes you strong, and your scars make you look beautiful.” I fully expressed.

‘But my father…”Dan started but I cut him off.

“Move in with me, be with me …love me” I stammered out.

We finally made it to the top of the ride. I walked closer to him, almost face to face.

“Phil…for a while now, I’ve been having these strong feelings for you, but I didn’t know if you felt the same way. I was scared for when the day came when you learned about everything. I thought that once you knew, you would leave me like everyone else did. But, you’ve accepted me for who I am, the real me. Thank you.” Dan said with a single tear falling down.

“Dan, can I ask you one more thing?”

“Okay,” he said.

This would be bold, I thought to myself. Don’t push it, Phil, you’re going to scare him off, right when we’re so close.

No, I have to do it, for me, for us, for Dan.

“Can.. ummm can I kiss you?” I shyly asked.

Dan looked deep into my eyes, our distance growing closer and closer, our eyes slowly shutting, and right before our lips touched Dan mumbled “yes, yes to everything”

Fireworks sparked within me. This was perfect, Dan is perfect.

The kiss lasted for a few moments but when we finally separated, Dan looked right back into my eyes and said “Phil, I love you too, I always did and I always will.” and he kissed me again.

 

**Dan’s POV**

My weekend with Phil ended and when I returned home, the first thing that I did was go into my room and packed all my valuable things into a suitcase. I needed to be fast before my parents came home.

I was really doing it, I’m leaving this hell hole and living a new life with Phil. I gathered all my things- well everything except the many razors that I had, I’m leaving them behind I no longer need them, I have Phil now to love me and to keep me safe.

I heard a car pull up in the driveway and I knew it was my parents. I marched downstairs with my suitcase and waited.

My parents walked into the house and the first thing my father said when he saw me and my things was, “Where the hell do you think you’re going, you fucking bastard!”

I was full of emotion; rage, hatred, anger, everything that he did to me over all these years, manifest itself in what I was feeling right now. I knew he can no longer hurt me from this day on, this was going to be the last time I ever see him and he better fucking remember that the biggest mistake he ever made in his life was touching me. I had the courage to do something I never could have done in the past. In the middle of his yelling, I walked up to him and with all my might, filled with all my emotions I punched him right on the left side of his face.

He fell to the floor, unconscious.

I looked to my mother who had new bruises on her neck and arms. “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.” I picked up things and headed towards the door. “Mother, do it, do it right now while he’s down. Leave… leave this place and don’t look back, I know you’ve wanted to for a long time now. Be free and live a new life where you’re happy and far away from him.”

She looked into my eyes with tears spilling over, nodded and whispered “ I’m sorry I wasn’t a good mother, at this moment you’ve done more for me then I’ve done for your whole life…thank you. Please be safe, I wish you happiness, and I hope that one day we can reunite and perhaps be happy together.”

I walked back to hug her tightly and whispered “ yes we will one day I promise… now go hurry” and she did, she ran back upstairs to get her things as quickly as she could.

I called a taxi to the train station. And waited for the two-hour train ride it took to get to Phil’s apartment. For a moment I was scared that Phil was not going to be there to pick me up. I was afraid that he would change his mind and no longer love me.

When I stepped out of the train my eyes glanced around for Phil but I couldn’t find him. I started to get worried, so I took a few breaths and looked down at my feet to calm me down. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped in surprise, and as I looked up to see who tapped me, my eyes met piercing blue eyes. I was welcomed with a warm smile.

“Hi…” I heard him say. Wrapping me up in a big hug.

“Ph…Phil, I can’t breath” he slightly tried pushing me away, but only a little, as he was still holding on to me. “I’m really happy and excited to be here… with you.”

“So what do you want to do today… we can do anything and everything that you want to do” Phil asked me

I smiled, remembering this conversation was very similar to the first one they had in person a few days back. “ I want to go to your house, to our house, to my new life with you,” I said out loud.

“Okay then, destination to a new life together,” Phil said while holding my had and making our way home.

It took a few weeks for me to get adjusted to my new life. A few weeks to feel like it was real and not just some dream that I was going to wake up from. Phil got me into therapy to help with the issues that I have, both emotional and intimacy wise. And this lasted for a few months until I felt like a new person.

On our one year anniversary, Phil and I finally made love. On our five year anniversary, Phil proposed and I said yes. The following year we adopted a baby girl who loved playing with my mother who visited every Sunday. I had a new family who I loved and who loved me back. This was my life now, no going back and I was more than okay with that.

I spent the first 18 years in suffrage and neglect and didn’t know what happiness was. Phil made everything better and showed me how it feels to love someone and I will be forever grateful. And to think, the moment everything changed was when I hit post on my comment all those years ago.


	2. Chapter 2

 

**Phil’s POV**

“Why hasn’t he messaged me back yet, I’m getting worried,” I told my stuffed

Lion, but really more to myself.

“Lion you should have read this comment I got the other day, this danisnotonfire… I mean .. Dan, really spoke his heart out”

**Flashback**

I extended the page so I could read the whole comment, and began reading.

_Hi AmazingPhil XD_

_Wow, I can’t believe I’m really doing this, I almost never comment on any video, I don’t really see the point, the person is never going to see or read it anyway, I’m just another viewer to you. Well in the small chance that you do read this, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Dan Howell, and I’m 18 years old, just out of school. I just have to say I fell in love with your videos. You are so talented and I can not believe someone like you exists. I have a hard time understanding why I’m in this world. I see no reason for someone like me to exist if I don”t have a purpose yet. But you just have this light about you that makes me want to continue living. I don’t have many reasons to keep living, to begin with. When I was at school, I was always alone, no one liked to talk to me and I always kept to myself. My family back home is pretty much the same, we don’t talk to each other; unless you call screaming hitting talking, which in that case, we’re always talking. My fathers ashamed of me and my mother gave up fighting for the both of us, she just cares about herself now, she left me alone a long time ago. With everything going on, I started to think “ Would anyone care if I was gone?” “ Do I even matter?” “ Would everything be easier if I just ended it all?” You see, I have a big secret that nobody knows about. I cut myself. Wow, I can’t believe I’m saying this! It feels so good to say it all out loud, even though I know you won’t see this, it’s nice just to write it down. Yes, I am a cutter, at first, it was just a few times a month, but now with everything going on, I feel a lot better doing it a few times a day. It’s addicting and it makes me feel better._

_Thank you for pretending to listen. I think I’m going to take my own advice and just leave this earth, I’m not worth the trouble for my parents or even you. Goodbye Phil._

_Dan Howell_

**End Flashback**

Tears started to form again as I recall the comment I read earlier. “Lion I have to do more,” I said to myself. “ I think… I think I’m going to message him again, just to make sure he’s not hurting himself.”

 

**Dan’s POV**

I was lying on my bed in my room, trying to drown out my parents screaming in the other room with some music, but I knew it was no use. I finally stopped crying and cleaned up the rest of the glass from my hair. I felt disgusting and I wanted to take a shower. I walked into my bathroom and started to take off my shirt. I caught a glance at the mirror and saw the puffed out red lines on my stomach.

“Wow, just look at me” I stared quietly at myself. “No wonder nobody wants me, not my parents, not anyone at school, and definitely not someone wonderful like Phil.”

I got in the shower and grimaced when the steaming hot water touched the opened cuts. I sat on the floor, clutching my knees swaying back and forth until I stopped shaking. I stayed in there for a while until my skin was bright red.

When I got out, I went into my room and started to get ready to sleep. Right before I completely went out, I heard a bell go off. I knew it was my phone but I didn’t want to answer it.

Just then I heard small whimpers coming from the other room. I knew it was my mother crying, but I tried to ignore it, the best I could. I decided to check my phone to see why the bell went off. I read the captioned “New message from Amazingphil.” I jolted right up.

“O my.. O my god… he messaged again.” I said quietly with awestruck eyes. I should open it, I thought, well I should open the first one actually, I reminded myself.

“Come on Dan, do something brave in your life for once” I opened the first message and started reading.

_Hello Dan,_

_I usually don’t write back to people who comment because I can only do so many and I feel it’s unfair to those I don’t get too. But what you wrote, spoke to my heart. I can not believe what you went through and still going through. I can not imagine what it must be like to be in your situation. I want you to know that I noticed you and I appreciate this comment. You are someone worth remember and I’m glad I have someone like you watching my videos. Stay strong._

_Phil_

My smile stretched across my face. “Wow, he actually read my comment.”

I clicked on the most recent notification and opened up the next message from Phil.

_Hey, it’s me again, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I felt like my first message didn’t express how much I wanted to get to know you. I’m having a really hard time forgetting you. I just feel like there’s something I can do to make your situation better, I’m not scared or think you’re a freak because of the cutting, I actually want to be your friend and get to know the real Dan. Please be okay._

_Phil_

_P.S: Find me on Skype, I would gladly add you back._

 

“He… he wants to be my friend” I gasped out. “Wow, he actually wants to talk to me.”

Just then I began to think. What if it’s all a lie and he’s just making fun of me? He wouldn’t right? He’s not that type of person. I think I’m going to take a chance and call him. If it’s all a lie then I found the final reason to just end it all.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Phil’s POV**

It’s been a few days since I posted anything on Youtube so I decided to film a new video. Once I finished I started editing the video on my laptop when I got a notification on the top right corner. The caption read “New friend request from danisnotonfire- Skype”

“Wow he actually accepted my offering,” I said to my lion; which I should maybe stop as it’s starting to get creepy.

I gladly accepted the request and started to fix my hair so I can look presentable.

I clicked call.

It rang, then rang, then rang again. I was worried that I was being to fast forward and moving to fast. Maybe he didn’t want to talk and open up to me. Maybe this was just a silly idea.

Then I heard his voice. “Hi,” he said. “It’s me… Um, Dan” he said shyly.

I just started in awe, he looked so small and innocent. He had big brown eyes and brown straightened hair with just a bit of curl right at the tips. He looked amazing and I was glad I got to put a face to the username.

I guess I was staring for too long because he spoke up again “umm are you there? Is the connection bad cause you’re not moving” Dan said.

“Um…n…no, yeah.. umm… I’m here, sorry for staring, but Hi there I”m Phil.

And it went on like that for a while, we were both nervous to talk to each other but after a few simple questions, it got easier. We started off with simple topics like where we live and school arrangements, and after many, weeks of Skype calls later we slowly progressed to more intimate topics like our dreams and goals in life. Talking with him felt so easy, it was natural and I can feel like I could say just about anything. We didn’t even dare talk about his family and the situation he was in. the topic of cutting didn’t even come up, we didn’t want anything to ruin this.

 

**After a few weeks, during a Skype call.**

“It’s getting late” I finally said checking the time. “Wow it’s almost 3 in the morning” I laughed out. It didn’t even feel like so much time has passed.“Um, Dan?”“Yes,” he whispered with a yawn.“I want to talk to you again tomorrow… if that’s alright with you, I want to ask you something.”

‘Yeah I’d like th…” he was about to finish his response, when suddenly a loud bang came from another room, making me jump in fright. Dan turned his head to the side unfazed by the sudden loud noise.

“Dan, where the fuck are you!!!” a loud rough voice was drowning in closer.

I saw from the screen that Dan’s eyes widen when he realized who it was.

“I ha…have to go, bye!” I saw his hand frantically trying to end the call. He then quickly got off the bed to turn off the lights and tried to pretend to be sleeping by going under the covers. I could see everything, with the rush that he was in, he didn’t actually end the Skype call.

The door to his room opened. And I remained quiet, trying not to get discovered. A man walked in swaying back and forth. He had something in his hand, it looked like a bottle.

“Dan wake up you bastard… I need your fucking mouth.” My jaw dropped, it couldn’t be what I think it is right.

He walked towards the bed and reached his arm over to Dan’s body and started taking off the covers.

“Dad, I’m sleeping…not now, go away” I heard him say in a pretend sleepy voice.

“Get the fuck up” his father pulled Dan from his hair off the bed and slapped him across the face. “When I want to use you I will, I’m not asking, I’m telling you! Now get to work.”

I stared in wide eyes as I saw Dan slowly get off the floor and make his way to his father. His hands reached for his belt and he slowly undid it.

My mind was racing. Oh my god… I can’t watch this. Do something. Say something. Make a noise and stop this.No… I can’t… Dan will know that I was watching and he’ll be embarrassed and we won’t come back from this. I want to be there for him but I know I won’t be able to stop this now. They’ll just close the laptop and continue anyway. The best thing I can do for Dan right now is look away and save him his dignity.

I closed my laptop.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Dan’s POV**

My dad left my room after he got what he wanted.

I probably scared off Phil, and things were just getting so great. He was so kind and wonderful, I can’t believe I actually had conversations with him. We had so much in common and I can see us becoming great friends.

But it’s all over now, my father just had to get in the way and ruin everything. I’m just glad I ended the call before he could see anything. Even if we don’t ever talk again, I’m glad he got to see the good side of me, my family and my cutting is something I don’t want him to really see more of.

 

**Phil’s POV**

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I saw. It’s been three days since I last spoke to him, I wanted to have a clear mind before I talked to him again. I decided that I wanted to tell him what I saw but I needed the right way to tell him. And I didn’t get to tell him what I wanted to say.

“I should call him back and explain myself,” I said out loud.

I hit call.

 

**Dan’s POV**

I was in my room laying on my bed, literally doing nothing like always. When suddenly my laptop started beeping. I read the screen “Incoming call from Amazingphil.” He’s probably calling to end everything. To end the little friendship that was barely starting. I didn’t want to answer. If I don’t answer the call, he can’t end this

I didn’t answer. And he didn’t call back.

The next day the same thing happened. He called and I didn’t answer. And then again and again.

“Wow, he’s really not letting up,” I said in awe. “ Maybe I should answer the next call” The next day Phil called again and this time I answered. The call was connecting and I was preparing for the worst.

“ You don’t believe how much I missed you” was the first thing I heard him say when he saw my face.“ Hi Phi…Phil” I said at first startled by his comment. “Umm, I would like to apologize for not answering your calls before… I was umm busy” I quickly made up a lie.

“No that’s fine… I just wanted to talk to you again” he said calmly. “I wanted to make sure that you were okay, our last phone call got caught off early, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“Oh… wow that’s nice of you to say. I’m sorry for ending the call early, my Dad came home and wanted to talk to me about something.”

 

**Phil’s POV**

Wow, I can’t believe he answered this time. I was so glad he finally did, I just wanted to make sure he’s okay. When he mentioned his father and the last phone call, I had to remind myself to remain calm and not make a face.

Then I remembered what I wanted to ask him so I just blurted it out.

“Come visit me,” I said mid interrupting his apology.

“Wh…what,” he said shyly.

“Come stay the weekend at my place, I want to meet you in person,” I said confidently.

He just stared blankly back at me, I could tell he was speechless.

“Are you serious… you’re not right… you’re just messing with me.” he blushed and looked away.

“No I’m serious, I want to talk to you, not from just through the screen, in person, I want to meet you Dan, the real Dan,” I said to him. “ So what do you say?”

“You still want to be my friend?” he quietly whispered to me.

“Yes of course… I feel like we can become great friends… and that’s why I want to meet you in person.” I proudly told him.

 

“O…okay then, let’s meet in person” he finally said.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Dan’s POV**

Once we finished all the details for the meetup, I knew I had to do one last thing, I had to ask my parents. I waited for them to come home from work so I can tell them both together.

A few hours later. We were eating dinner in silence and I took the opportunity to ask.

“Mum, Dad… I um…I was wondering if I could go visit a friend this weekend and stay with them a few days? They live about two hours away by train.”

My father just started laughing, “ You don’t have any friends.” he said smirking.

My mum just stayed silent for a while, but when she finally spoke, she said,” Good now I don’t have to make extra food to fed you.”

I shyly asked, “ So can I go.. Please, I just need some money for the train ride.”

My mother just gave me a simple nod and continued eating. My father just continued to smirk and ignore me. “If you pay for it yourself, then you can go”

Later that night, I was just about to slip off to sleep when a sudden knock was at my door.

I checked the time and it was about 2am in the morning when the mysterious knocked occurred.

“Dan wake up.” it was my father, knew it. “ I know some way you can make more money” he swayed in drunk. “If you let me finally stick it in you, then I’ll give you all the money you want.”

He couldn’t be serious could he, I know he’s done stuff to me in the past; sick awful things, but this has to be the line. I can’t let him…can I?

“Umm how much money?” I shyly asked, surprising myself for even asking.

“Enough to pay for the whole trip, to and fro.” he said smugly “You already know I’m going to get what I want, so you might as well make some money out of it”

And I did… I got the money and in return, my father used me. Just like he always did, he was rough and quick. He didn’t care about me or this family, he just wanted satisfaction for his own personal gain.

It hurt. A lot

I can never be the same again.

I lost the last of my pure and innocence that I had left.

New scars covered my arms.

But its all for Phil, I’ll do anything to see Phil in person.

 

**Phil’s POV**

Two weeks have passed since Dan and I discussed the trip. I wanted to pay for half the trip since it was my idea, but he insisted that he had the money for it. And now I was on my way to pick him up from the train station.

I can’t wait to finally see him in person, I’ve waited for so long.

I want to see his beautiful brown eyes.

His dark chocolate brown hair.

His blemish-free skin.

His glossy full lips… wait what?… Where did that come from? What does this mean? I mean sure Dan is an attractive person for a male, but I don’t of him in that way. Or do I?

 

**Dan’s POV**

I was on the train waiting for my stop. I can’t wait to finally meet Phil in person. I hope he’s not disappointed with me.

What if he sees me and decides I’m not worth all the problems. Maybe this was a bad mistake, I should just turn around and go home.

The train stopped; this was my stop.

“Come on Dan…get off the train” I hissed at myself.

I took the brave leap and stepped off the train.

Well, there’s no going back now.

I stood waiting by a pole, looking around for Phil. I was feeling overwhelmed with the waiting.

Just then I saw him enter the train station.

I looked away bowing my head in embarrassment, I can’t believe this was actually happening, I mentally thought to myself. I can’t mess up this friendship, I need Phil! But in what way, as a friend or as something more.

I was confused with what I just thought, what did I mean by that. Do I like Phil more than just a friend? Should I even be thinking about this? Even if I did, there was no way Phil would like me back.

I didn’t have time to finish thinking because just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped in surprise, and as I looked up to see who tapped me, my eyes met piercing blue eyes. I was welcomed with a warm smile.

“Hi…” I heard him say. Wrapping me up in a big hug.

Shit… I really do love him, I confessed to myself.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Phil’s POV**

I enter the train station and I start to scan the crowd in search of Dan. I spotted a tall male with brown hair staring at the floor. From the glance I knew it was him, I started to walk up to him and when I reached him I tapped his shoulder.

I was met with deep chocolate brown eyes. I instantly hugged him and took in his sent…Okay, I think I may Love him.

“Omg… I can’t believe you’re actually here, I’m so happy” I told him in gasps. I kept hugging him.

“Ph…Phil, I can’t breath” he slightly tried pushing me away, but only a little, as he was still holding on to me. “I’m really happy and excited to be here… with you.”

Hearing this made me smile, maybe Dan likes me too, maybe we can be something more.

“So what do you want to do today… we can do anything and everything that you want to do… I want to make this trip extra special for you” I whispered to him as we were still hugging.

“Umm, well… I… I mean I don’t know, I guess I’m still in shock with meeting you” he quietly said back to me.

“Okay well first let’s go back to my place so you can drop off your things and you can freshen up a bit, does that sound good?” I asked him

“Yeah” he responded

(During the car ride home)

Okay Phil, calm yourself… relax your breathing. You just discovered you have feelings for Dan and you don’t know what to do.

Should I tell him how I feel and see if he feels the same way? No, that’s ridiculous, if he doesn’t feel the same way then it could ruin our friendship. And plus we have his whole father situation to talk about, and I’m sure he’s still self-harming.

I quickly glance at him, but still keeping my eyes on the road. He’s looking down wearing a slight blush. Oh no is he nervous, is he uncomfortable? “Umm hey Dan, are you okay, you seem a bit flustered.” I saw him slightly jump from the sudden interruption of silence.

“Ye…yeah I’m f…fine, I’m fine, I’m probably a bit overheated from the trip” he shyly stammered.

“Oh well in that case, after I give you a tour of the apartment, you can take a shower to cool off, then we can head out for a nigh around the town,” I told him

“Yeah that sounds nice,” Dan shyly said back.

I helped him bring in his bags once we got to my apartment, and after I gave him the official-not-so-official tour of the place, I directed him to the washroom in my room. I went to go get him a clean towel straight from the wash right before I entered the room catching him mid-change.

His shirt was off, scars and all exposed.

It was like catching a deer in headlights, he just stared at me with wide eyes, his face completely going white. His breathing started to pick up speed and tears started forming in the brim of his eyes. His breathing became quicker and sharper.

Was he having a panic attack?

 

**Still Phil’s POV**

I can see Dan start shaking violently. Tears are all over the place and his breathing is so short and sharp that I’m not even sure oxygen is even getting to his brain.

“Dan?… Dan it’s…it’s okay, you’re okay,” I tell him slowly as I walk up to him. “I know we’ve haven’t talked about your scars or about your cutting, but everything is still okay” I calmly stated.

I can see that he’s opening his mouth to speak but he can only manage a few words. “ Do..don’t run a…away, please… Do…don’t leave.”

“No no no, it’s okay, I would never leave you because of this,” I said making sure to put extra emphasis on the last few words.

My hand reaches for his face, as my finger wipes off a falling tear. I move his hair out of his face and just stare at him. My fingers slowly move lower and lower until they reach his forearms. I trace his scars, both faded and newer ones.

“See… I’m not running, I’m not leaving” I gently told him.

I lifted his arm up to my face and while looking him in his tear-filled eyes, I kissed the scars.

“We’re okay, this doesn’t change anything, I still want you as my best friend, okay?”

“O…okay” Dan said

“Well then… hmmm now that that’s settled, I’ll leave you to your shower…ummm sorry for barging in, I …I umm wanted to give you a clean towel.” I said with blush cheeks.

“No… It’s okay we were bound to talk about it… I think I just wanted to avoid it for as long as possible… but your right, I’m sorry for overreacting” Dan told me while looking away.

I lifted his chin so he can meet my eyes, “you are entitled to your feelings, this is a big part of your life and I don’t expect it to be easy for you to talk about it …but I’ve been wanting to tell you that I want to help you get better… if you want to that is” I told him

He looked at me with wide eyes “okay” was all that he said.

I left Dan to his shower and waited in the living room.

Okay so we confronted his issue with cutting, that’s one thing checked off the list, now we have to talk about his relationship with his father, and then maybe if he doesn’t hate me for keeping secrets, then we could talk about maybe becoming something more. I mentally thought to myself.

“Phil,” Dan said from the other room, ”I’m ready to go”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Dan’s POV**

We walked around for a bit, grabbed a quick bite at a small cafe that was still opened at this hour. Both of us fully aware of the slight tension between us.

Phil seemed happy, despite all the problems that I tell him. He’s not running away like any of my old friends did. He’s actually paying attention and listening to me, something for sure my parents never did. I could be happy with Phil, he accepts me for who I am.

But would he even want me…if he knew about my father? No, he wouldn’t, no one would. I should stop kidding myself with pointless fantasies.

We walked towards the famous Manchester Eye and got on board.

 

**Phil’s POV**

“Dan… umm, theirs something I want and need to talk about with you” I looked straight into his eyes so that he knew it was something serious.

“I knew it… you really don’t want to continue being friends” he gasped out, trying to get out from the glass bubble, but the doors were already closed behind him.

“No…no that’s not it at all… I actually want to say first, that I want to remain beside you, despite what I’m about to tell you… but I can’t say you would want to remain mine.”

“Phil… you’re scaring me, just tell me” Dan expressed

“Okay…so…ummm… wow, this is harder than I thought…” I took a long breath “A few weeks ago when we were skyping, the day that your father came home early and you logged off out of out chat”

“Yeah go on” Dan stated, slowly looking more cautious.

“Well, Ummm… you actually didn’t log off, and I stayed watching, and I… ummm saw your father walk into your room and I saw what he was going to do,” I said looking away at the end. What would Dan think of me now?

“Yo…you saw…saw everything” new tears were forming in Dan’s eyes.

“No, I didn’t actually see, I turned it off before anything could happen… I didn’t want to tarnish my memory of you, I love you too much for that to happen” I claimed.

“You what?” Dan said to me with wide eyes.” You love me”

I gasped in shock, taking me a moment to realize what I had just said. “Omg, I’ve ruined it, please I’m sorry, please don’t be freaked out, it just came out.”

“Do you really love me?” Dan struggled to get out.

“Yes I do, I really do,” I replied back.

“But as a friend right?” Dan coiled back.

“No Dan, I think in a romantic-I-want-to-be-with-you kind of way,” I said.

“You’re not disgusted with me, with what you saw and with what my father has done to me over the years? You don’t think I’m damaged?” Dan said worriedly.

“I think there are some things we need to talk about, you know emotional wise and your well being but I don’t think you’re damaged. You’re far from it… Your past makes you who you are…I think your family makes you strong, and your scars make you look beautiful.” I fully expressed.

‘But my father…”Dan started but I cut him off.

“Move in with me, be with me …love me” I stammered out.

We finally made it to the top of the ride. I walked closer to him, almost face to face.

“Phil…for a while now, I’ve been having these strong feelings for you, but I didn’t know if you felt the same way. I was scared for when the day came when you learned about everything. I thought that once you knew, you would leave me like everyone else did. But, you’ve accepted me for who I am, the real me. Thank you.” Dan said with a single tear falling down.

“Dan, can I ask you one more thing?”

“Okay,” he said.

This would be bold, I thought to myself. Don’t push it, Phil, you’re going to scare him off, right when we’re so close.

No, I have to do it, for me, for us, for Dan.

“Can.. ummm can I kiss you?” I shyly asked.

Dan looked deep into my eyes, our distance growing closer and closer, our eyes slowly shutting, and right before our lips touched Dan mumbled “yes, yes to everything”

Fireworks sparked within me. This was perfect, Dan is perfect.

The kiss lasted for a few moments but when we finally separated, Dan looked right back into my eyes and said “Phil, I love you too, I always did and I always will.” and he kissed me again.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Dan’s POV**

My weekend with Phil ended and when I returned home, the first thing that I did was go into my room and packed all my valuable things into a suitcase. I needed to be fast before my parents came home.

I was really doing it, I’m leaving this hell hole and living a new life with Phil. I gathered all my things- well everything except the many razors that I had, I’m leaving them behind I no longer need them, I have Phil now to love me and to keep me safe.

I heard a car pull up in the driveway and I knew it was my parents. I marched downstairs with my suitcase and waited.

My parents walked into the house and the first thing my father said when he saw me and my things was, “Where the hell do you think you’re going, you fucking bastard!”

I was full of emotion; rage, hatred, anger, everything that he did to me over all these years, manifest itself in what I was feeling right now. I knew he can no longer hurt me from this day on, this was going to be the last time I ever see him and he better fucking remember that the biggest mistake he ever made in his life was touching me. I had the courage to do something I never could have done in the past. In the middle of his yelling, I walked up to him and with all my might, filled with all my emotions I punched him right on the left side of his face.

He fell to the floor, unconscious.

I looked to my mother who had new bruises on her neck and arms. “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.” I picked up things and headed towards the door. “Mother, do it, do it right now while he’s down. Leave… leave this place and don’t look back, I know you’ve wanted to for a long time now. Be free and live a new life where you’re happy and far away from him.”

She looked into my eyes with tears spilling over, nodded and whispered “ I’m sorry I wasn’t a good mother, at this moment you’ve done more for me then I’ve done for your whole life…thank you. Please be safe, I wish you happiness, and I hope that one day we can reunite and perhaps be happy together.”

I walked back to hug her tightly and whispered “ yes we will one day I promise… now go hurry” and she did, she ran back upstairs to get her things as quickly as she could.

I called a taxi to the train station. And waited for the two-hour train ride it took to get to Phil’s apartment. For a moment I was scared that Phil was not going to be there to pick me up. I was afraid that he would change his mind and no longer love me.

When I stepped out of the train my eyes glanced around for Phil but I couldn’t find him. I started to get worried, so I took a few breaths and looked down at my feet to calm me down. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped in surprise, and as I looked up to see who tapped me, my eyes met piercing blue eyes. I was welcomed with a warm smile.

“Hi…” I heard him say. Wrapping me up in a big hug.

“Ph…Phil, I can’t breath” he slightly tried pushing me away, but only a little, as he was still holding on to me. “I’m really happy and excited to be here… with you.”

“So what do you want to do today… we can do anything and everything that you want to do” Phil asked me

I smiled, remembering this conversation was very similar to the first one they had in person a few days back. “ I want to go to your house, to our house, to my new life with you,” I said out loud.

“Okay then, destination to a new life together,” Phil said while holding my had and making our way home.

It took a few weeks for me to get adjusted to my new life. A few weeks to feel like it was real and not just some dream that I was going to wake up from. Phil got me into therapy to help with the issues that I have, both emotional and intimacy wise. And this lasted for a few months until I felt like a new person.

On our one year anniversary, Phil and I finally made love. On our five year anniversary, Phil proposed and I said yes. The following year we adopted a baby girl who loved playing with my mother who visited every Sunday. I had a new family who I loved and who loved me back. This was my life now, no going back and I was more than okay with that.

I spent the first 18 years in suffrage and neglect and didn’t know what happiness was. Phil made everything better and showed me how it feels to love someone and I will be forever grateful. And to think, the moment everything changed was when I hit post on my comment all those years ago.


End file.
